Thursday, September 21, 2006

Being eaten away

Well this year has started out with a simultaneous bang and whimper.

Honestly, however arrogant it might sounds, I think that I was tacitly expected to be one of the campus leaders this year - helping new people get acclimated, be at the forefront of doing my jobs, be a meaningful member of the OISM board, Interseminary dialogues (which haven't happened yet), I'm an intern in Manhattan, I'm studying for the GRE with some diligence, and I've even taken the first steps to re-starting Greek...

But it's not enough. The feel this year is different. I have yet to have a solid hour where I kept my mind on what I was doing. I'm less vibrant, less intellectual, and generally more spacy. I don't think I'm anywhere near as personable as in previous years. Even when I think I'm making a point, the mind doesn't work as fluidly as it did. I feel as if a haze has gradually crowded out the efficiency and conciseness with which my mind normally operates. The whole world is blurred by the wrong set of glasses.

Who knows... maybe it's all in my head. I'm not entirely sure how others perceive me at the moment. Not that it 'matters', and yet at the same time it does. I feel like the self-absorbed third year student who's always grabbing dinner and retreating back to his room for his own reasons. Who's doing his own work on his own time. Who has his own agenda at all times. Suffice to say that I'm more incoherent than usual. I don't feel connected in some sense; I don't feel organic and normal vis-a-vis my own typical states of mind.

Truthfully though, I didn't ask for all of it. There are some things gnawing on me that were not there before. A couple are rather serious, and too personal for a public online forum, yet it's still fair to say that my coping mechanisms - usually fairly resilient - have gotten a bit frayed. There comes a point when some very basic things are called into question. Not faith per se... that seems ok... but the extent to which certain expectations of how life will proceed get thrown to the wind. You find yourself considering paths and decisions that would have seemed insane less than a year ago. It's not that your ideals have changed, it's that your perception of time has changed. Mine has. For instance, another five years of schooling at this moment sounds terrible! Just a few months ago I was so jazzed about the possibility, now I'm having to fight against half-heartedness even in this rather egocentric goal. But, that's not realy the thing that's getting to me. That's just a safe thing to compare to.

Sigh. I do wish that I could vent all publicly. There's something liberating about being exposed to the world for who you are, and yet it's beyond the pale of acceptability. Janis had a point that freedom's just another word for "nothing left to lose". That's the way of things. Yet Liberation, in its purest form, only happens through Christ, but wow does it feel constricting at times. My mind is wrapped nicely around the notion of taking up your cross and following Him, but the flesh is quite weak, and even the spirit is a little bit confused.

I'm blabbering. All I've done is use numerous adjectives and illustrations while still making no point. This was a bad post, and it's indicative of my general effectiveness at the moment, but I'm too discombobulated to erase it. ciao.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

it sounds like there is a lot going on in your life right now. try not to be too hard on yourself. the former self you yearn for now is still there. is still you. sometimes we have to weather and wear before we get to where we want and need to be.

10:13 PM  

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